


If I Could Turn Back Time

by thisisapaige



Series: Thisisapaige's Suptober20 Collection [12]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Castiel Makes a Deal with The Shadow (Supernatural), Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, M/M, One Shot, Pre-Episode: s15e14 Last Holiday, Sad Castiel/Dean Winchester, Season/Series 15, Suptober 2020 (Supernatural), but you know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:15:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26973526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisisapaige/pseuds/thisisapaige
Summary: (For Suptober20. Day 12 Prompt: Rewind)⁂“If you could take it all back-- like, if you could rewind time or whatever-- would you?”“Dude.” Dean took his eyes off the road for a dangerously long time. He stared at Sam, his eyes wide and shining in the headlights of a passing truck. “What the hell?”
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Thisisapaige's Suptober20 Collection [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1950343
Comments: 2
Kudos: 87





	If I Could Turn Back Time

**Author's Note:**

> Believe it or not, this started as a joke about Dean being a secret Cher fan. It... sort of spiralled. I'm worried about Cas, my friends. :(
> 
> [This is my Tumblr. We can cry about Cas together.](https://thisisapaige.tumblr.com/)

“If you could take it all back-- like, if you could rewind time or whatever-- would you?”

“Dude.” Dean took his eyes off the road for a dangerously long time. He stared at Sam, his eyes wide and shining in the headlights of a passing truck. “What the hell?”

Sam pointed out the windshield to the road to remind Dean that he was, in fact, driving the Impala down a long, dark, rainy highway. Once Sam was sure they weren’t going to end up wrapped around a tree, he said, “Just thinking.”

The next few miles passed with no other sound than the Impala’s turning wheels and the soft patter of raindrops on the windows. Sam inwardly groaned. He shouldn’t have asked. His social filter tended to turn off when he was tired. 

Something about the final fight looming-- the fight against God, for crying out loud-- had Sam spending a lot of sleepless nights thinking about how in the fuck his life ended up this weird. Was it when his mom died? The first or second time? Was it when he lost Jessica? Or Dad? Or when Dean went to Hell? Was it when Sam died and went to Hell? Was it the gradual integration of Castiel, Angel of the Lord, into the Winchester family as Sam’s brother and Dean’s… well, Dean’s something? How about when Sam decided to adopt the Devil’s son?

Yeah, Sam didn’t know either. He figured, if he had to rewind to a particular moment in time to stop all the absurdity, he’d pick when his mother burned on the ceiling. So, really, his life had been weird ever since he was a baby. 

“Okay, but, what would you do if you could turn back time?” Dean asked. He paused, then added, in a melodic tone, “If you could find a way?

“Dude.”

“Would you take back those words that’ve hurt you, and you’d stay?”

“Cher? Really?

“Hey, you recognized it.”

Sam rolled his eyes and took a deep breath, fighting the urge to make a sarcastic comment. No way was he going to enable Dean. Sam was not about to let Dean break into _I Got You Babe._ If anyone was to sing that duet with Dean, it’d be Cas. 

“Fine. Point made,” Sam said. “It was a stupid question.”

“No, not stupid,” Dean said, “but you go down that ‘what if’ spiral, you’re gonna have a hard time finding your way out.”

“Yeah.” Sam rested his head against the passenger's side window and closed his eyes. Maybe he just needed some rest. The Impala’s soothing rumble always lulled him to sleep. She was his constant, his safe place, his home since he was a boy. “Yeah, you’re right.”

Right as Sam drifted into dreams, he heard Dean answer in a distant whisper, like he hadn’t meant to speak out loud.

“No. No, I don’t think I would because-- because then I’d never meet…”

⁂

The phone rang. Castiel, sitting in his car trying to summon the will to walk into that playground and deal with what little was left of Heaven-- again-- felt grateful for the excuse to delay the inevitable. He reached into his pocket, glanced at the name on the display, and accepted the call.

“Hello, Dean.”

“Hey, Cas. This, uh, this isn’t a bad time is it?”

“Not at all. What is it you need?”

“Oh. Uh. Nothing, really. Just checking in.”

“Checking in?”

“Yeah. Yeah. I do that.” Dean’s voice sounded usually high. A result of a bad connection, most likely. “Don’t I?”

“I’m…” Castiel watched as a mother pushed a stroller across the street and tried to think of something to say. He was not one for small talk. “Fine.”

“Good. Good. That’s, uh, good.”

They lapsed into silence. The crackle of the open phone line and the sound of Dean’s breathing was all that indicated that Dean was still on the line. 

Castiel presumed that, maybe, this was the point he was supposed to speak or add something to the conversation, but there was nothing to say. Castiel felt no need to add idle noise. That was one of the many things Castiel still had not figured out about humans: why they always needed to fill the quiet moments with pointless words. Sam told him it was a way of being friendly, so Castiel tried. He could not help but think that allowing a peaceful moment of reflection was kind as well. If anyone needed a peaceful moment, it was Dean.

“Cas? You still there, buddy?”

“Of course.”

“Okay, good, uh--” Dean sighed. He sounded exhausted. Castiel was about to ask after his health when Dean asked, in a rush, “If you could rewind time, like, stop all this crazy world-ending shit, would you?”

Castiel narrowed his eyes. He wished he could see Dean, see if there was tension in his shoulders or hesitation in his eyes. As it was, all Castiel had was the question and the empty street before him. 

“You of all people should know the dangers of time travel,” Castiel said.

“Oh, yeah, I know.” Castiel imagined Dean waving a dismissive hand as he spoke. “Don’t worry. This is all hypothetical.” 

“This hypothetical sounds rather specific.”

“It’s just something Sam said the other day. I guess he got in my head or something.” Dean laughed. It was not convincing. “C’mon, think about it. Humour me, dude.”

So Castiel did. He could no longer travel through time, therefore it truly was just hypothetical. 

His instinctive response was no. No, not at all. Every time the angels meddled with the past, they managed to, as Dean would say, fuck shit up. The evidence spoke for itself: Anna, Mary Winchester, Lily Sunder. 

However, something stopped him from declaring it right away. If Castiel could go back in time-- if he could find the moment God chose to nudge the world to its end over and over again just to make the Winchesters act out a story for His enjoyment-- would he?

It would save the Winchester a lot of pain. Perhaps Sam would have the chance to finish his degree, never to be called back onto the road by Dean. Perhaps Dean would have grown up in a happy home instead of backroads and motels. Perhaps Sam would never have died, Dean would never have sold his soul, and Castiel would never have to rescue Dean from Hell. 

Would Jack be born in this situation? Castiel shuddered to think that he would not. Jack was too good, too precious, too necessary to the world for Castiel to consider otherwise.

But, if this situation occurred, Castiel would never have met Sam.

Castiel would never have met Dean.

In that other world, the one where the Apocalypse succeeded, Castiel had a glimpse of who-- what-- he would be without the Winchesters. That other Castiel’s rebellious spirit had been broken and beaten, his mind reprogrammed over and over again until his eye lost colour and his head involuntary twitched. He was ruthless, merciless, moulded into the perfect weapon by the angels. That Castiel never found the means to escape Heaven. That Castiel never met Dean.

Would Castiel become that, to spare the Winchester’s pain?

He would. He knew that he would. He would give anything to help the ones he loved.

He had proven that. The Empty always lurked behind him, its darkness nipping at his heels, waiting, waiting, for its moment. 

“I don’t know.” Castiel licked his lips and tapped the steering wheel with his fingertips. “But I do know I would regret having never met you.”

“Yeah.” Dean let go of a breath. It sounded like relief. “Yeah, same here.” 

“I think it best we focus on the present.” 

Because the present was all Castiel had.

⁂

Dean ended the call. He set his phone on the bedside table and lay back on his bed, watching the shadows dance across the ceiling of his room. 

Yeah. Best to focus on the present. Best to focus on something other than the what-if scenarios running through his head. Best to focus on something other than the guilt he felt when he realized, even in a hypothetical situation, he wouldn’t rewind time to save his blood family if it meant never meeting Cas.

He loved his mom. Her loss was still raw in his heart. He loved his dad, as complicated as it was. He’d already made his peace with that. He loved Sam. He would do anything for his brother. 

He loved Cas. 

He did. 

And it was a deep love, just as strong as the kind he had for his family, but it was also different. 

Romantic. 

And he couldn’t bear the thought of not knowing that, even in a hypothetical world. 

Wow.

That was a revelation. 

Maybe one day Dean would finally find the courage to tell Cas that he had a place in Dean’s heart, body, and soul.

And that Dean could never lose Cas, in this world or the next. Not even in a hypothetical situation. 

Never.


End file.
